Grieving Your Way
I’m speaking to you directly from my heart.
This week marks the fifth anniversary of my baby brother’s passing, and it’s been a difficult time for my family. As I reflect on my own experience with grief, I want to share what I’ve learned—about the many ways people move through loss and how important it is to be kind to yourself and to others during this journey.
I’ll talk about the well-known stages of grief and why it’s absolutely okay to grieve in your own way, on your own terms. I’ll share stories from my neighborhood and my family, from neighbors who find comfort living alone after loss to others who choose to remarry quickly. I believe there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and we all deserve the space to do it in the manner that feels right for us.
If you’re grieving, supporting someone who is, or simply seeking to understand more about the process, I hope this episode encourages you to be gentle, to stop judging, and to start listening with empathy. May it bring you comfort, perspective, and the reminder that kindness is key.
Email me, Lisa Stockdale, anytime at aginginfullbloom@gmail.com
Aging in Full Bloom with Lisa Stockdale is sponsored by HomeCaire. We believe every patient should get the personalized care they need, in the way they want it. Every caregiver should feel supported, valued, and motivated. We see each person as their own entity, with unique needs, desires, and skills. Our goal is to best support our family as they reach new milestones.
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Transcript
Listeners, welcome to Aging in Full Bloom. Today, I don't have a guest with me. I'm just going to talk to you from my heart. We're going to call this podcast Grieving youg Way. And maybe the reason this is heavy on my heart is because this week marks the fifth anniversary of my baby brother's passing. It has been a very difficult week for our entire family on multiple fronts in multiple ways. There have been days when I have had phone calls from my other siblings and they simply cry. We don't even talk about why we're crying.
Lisa [:We just do it. We tell each other we love each other and we move on about our day. And it had me laying awake last night thinking, I'm going to be in the podcast tomorrow. Maybe I should speak on this, this idea of grieving. So it's been five years for us, and I've learned some in those five years. I know there is this notion of. And I believe it makes sense that there's this process for grieving. I think it's attributed to a woman by the last name of Ross.
Lisa [:And most counselors probably rely on this. And the four components are in no particular order, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I can say yes, amen to all of that. All of that stuff does happen. The denial probably comes early for most people. It might be the first stage for most people. But I think even as you move along, there are times when you revert back to that, you go back into denial. And you can help yourself believe all kinds of things when you try hard enough, including.
Lisa [:It's just a long time since I've heard from him. He's going to call in a week. He's going to walk through that door on the 4th of July because he knows that's a big celebration for our family, whatever it is that you tell yourself to get through the day. But here's my main, I guess, takeaway through all of this, is that we all grieve differently. And that's why I said grieving your way. And it is absolutely okay to grieve your way on your own terms, whatever that means for you. And I'll give you some examples. So I live in a neighborhood where a bunch of older neighbors have passed away in the last 10 years.
Lisa [:And some of those folks, when the spouse passes away, the other person has lived out the remainder of their life alone. They will say things to you like, I'm not interested in dating. I've already had the best. Why mess with the rest? Whatever it is that's where they reside. And that's part of the perfectly fine. People try to pressure them into dating or set them up on blind dates or shame them for not being interested in another romantic chapter, but it isn't what they want. And I guess the thing that I've come to realize is leave people alone. Let them be who they are and let them be comfortable where they are.
Lisa [:It's not causing them any pain. My own mother is this way. In fact, we lost my dad in. And she has no interest and I think would be very uncomfortable and at odds with herself if she tried to date. And then there are other neighbors who have been married for years. The folks across the street. Both are deceased now, but when the wife died, the husband remarried within three months. And we were all shocked.
Lisa [:Like, wow, how do you even do that? How do you meet somebody new? Actually, it wasn't somebody new knew. It was somebody that he had known all his life. And they ended up being married for about seven years and loved each other very much. And people were all in judgment of how quick he moved on and so forth and so on. So here's what I want to say. The thing to do, how to get through grieving is to be kind. Kind to each other and kind to yourself. Give yourself the opportunity to make mistakes.
Lisa [:Give yourself the opportunity to scream and kick and c. And complain and cry and be quiet and be withdrawn and do whatever you need to do to get through it. Now, here's one thing that I really do not. I do not appreciate hearing this anymore. And now I think I'm finally empowered to be able to say to people. When they say this to me, they're going to get a response. And they may not like it, but when people tell you that enough time has gone by, you should have moved on by now. You should be over it.
Lisa [:You should have resolved that. One of two things. You've never lost anyone that you love or you've never loved anyone. Hopefully, you're in the first category. You've never lost anyone that you love. And if that is where you are. I remember being that way. I remember a time in my life when I thought everything would always be the way it was.
Lisa [:I would always have mom and dad and my three brothers and my aunts and uncles and the people that I grew up with. And that is a precious place to be. I do not want to shock you into the reality that you don't always get to stay there. So if you know people who get to live their lives in that place for an extended period Leave them alone. Let them be happy, okay? Because we know the older we get, the more likely that is going to change. And for some of us, it changes very young. But when my brother died, his little girl was eight years old, maybe nine. Eight or nine.
Lisa [:She was very young. So she never got to reside in that happy place for very long before she felt a real loss in her life. Now, if you're in the second category and you've never really loved anyone deeply, well, I'll pray for you. I don't really know what else to say to you, but please stop telling people they should get over it or they should. I don't know. I've heard people say this to my mother, and very dear friends have asked me, well, your mother's a Christian woman. She's a woman of deep faith. Shouldn't she be doing better at this point? Really, y'? All? Now, when the question has been asked of me, I've let it go.
Lisa [:And, you know, I don't really know how I dealt with it, but that. That's like a slap in the face. Everybody grieves differently. And you have to give. If you're kind, you'll give people the space to do that. There's no right way. There's no wrong way. The one.
Lisa [:I guess maybe. Maybe there is a wrong way. Maybe you go wrong. If you get in such a deep depression that you can't get yourself out and you refuse counseling and you refuse help, maybe that's the wrong way. But it's not wrong to get depressed. It's okay. It's a natural grieving process, and you have to give yourself the space to do that. Be kind to yourself.
Lisa [:Be forgiving to yourself when you do it. All the things that you would give someone you love. For example, my niece, who is very near and dear to me, who lost her daddy at such a young age, she's still actively grieving, and she started counseling not too long ago. I don't really know how well that's working for her yet, but she's going to stay at it until she gets out of the anger stage, because that's kind of where she's stuck right now. But we're not shaming her. We're not judgmental. We're not telling her she's wrong for feeling what she's feeling, because you feel what you feel. The key is to work through it, not to get stuck there.
Lisa [:It's okay to be angry. You just can't be angry for the rest of your life. That's where the Counseling becomes so important, I guess. You know, my message is, you know, everybody. We talk about being kind. Everyone's like, yeah, of course. That's the thing to do. Well, talking about it and doing it are two different things.
Lisa [:So keep. It's not. This is not some buzzword, right? When I say be kind, I mean there's action behind it. I mean, you're being intentional. I mean, you're paying attention to how your words and your behaviors affects others. And you can say, well, I didn't mean to hurt their feelings. But you did, and you know you did, so you better deal with that. That's what I mean by being kind.
Lisa [:It's not easy to be kind sometimes. You know, it's contrary to those voices in your head. But I think it's the key to grieving. And I think that we need to be more mindful of the fact that everyone grieves differently, that there's no right or wrong. If you need to get help and see a counselor, or whether that's a religious leader or someone who has a counseling degree or just someone that you trust, it's okay to talk about that. It's helpful. We all know that it's helpful and to work through it. Please stop telling people that they should be over it by now, because that's wrong, that's not kind, and that's not who we want to be.
Lisa [:If this touches you, please email me. I would love to hear your story, maybe even feature you on a future podcast. Till next time, listeners. May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be forever at your back.
